Episode 8: I’m a Fraud
[Title card. Instead of the Truth is in here: text changes to Trust No One]
FRANCIS (Under the covers with a flashlight crying): Hello interwebs. My name is Francis X. Files and this is the X. Files… This is my final episode this season. Maybe for good. I think I attracted the wrong kind of attention guys. All my instincts are telling me that the government is coming after me! I just know it! I haven’t seen Sampson in 3 weeks! Not since he ran out at the end of my last episode. They must have gotten to him already and he probably gave me up! That would be just the kind of thing he’d do. Calm down Francis. Calm down. There has to be a perfectly logical explanation for all of this… Just think. What’s the last thing that happened:
([Flashback to episode 7 and Sampson running out]
FRANCIS: In the modern day Kenedienne plans to lead an armada of his closest allies to destroy Mooneleminator base and topple the current head of the Illuminati: Tom Cruise. A war is coming-
FRANCIS: Where are you going Sampson?!)
FRANCIS: Why did he run out? I did think Sampson has always been a little weird… Even back to some of our earliest episodes…
SAMPSON: I don’t have time for this… I’ll be back in a little bit. I’m gonna be on the phone OK?
FRANCIS: I’ll never understand why Sampson insists on making all his calls out of public phone booths… Sometimes he takes a really long time to come back.)
FRANCIS: Wait a minute. It’s really suspicious that he doesn’t have a cell phone. If he makes all his calls from public phone booths he probably doesn’t want to be overheard… Then again maybe he just thinks phones are expensive. Hmm. There has to be something else that might explain where he is…
[Sampson spills something on his hand and it leaves a mark]
SAMPSON: Out, damned spot! Out I say!)
FRANCIS: He’s quoting Shakespeare! That’s what the lady from the play said when she had blood on her hands! Or maybe he’s just yelling because I bumped him and got a spot on his hand. Come on Francis think!
FRANCIS: When the church formed and discredited the Bible as simply allegories and stories, Kenedienne inadvertently created his own worst enemy..
[Sampson is suddenly silent and serious]
FRANCIS: Sampson? Hello Sampson?
SAMPSON: Be careful with these theories Francis. You wouldn’t want to catch the wrong kind of attention.
[Sampson solemnly walks out of the room]
FRANCIS: Like trolls on the internet? Don’t worry Sampson I will!)
FRANCIS: Was Sampson looking out for me? Oh my goodness! That was very clearly a threat! Why would Sampson threaten me though?
FRANCIS: Kenedienne is recruiting an army of people throughout history for an ultimate crusade against the Illuminati. They’re going to fight over possession of all truths, and the battle will span all periods of human history. We’ll discuss this on a future X. Files.
SAMPSON [Getting serious]: Francis, are you absolutely sure that this is happening?
FRANCIS: Yes silly, my jour- My sources are impeccable.
SAMPSON: I have to go right now!
FRANCIS: Got a hot date tonight Sampson? Wouldn’t want to keep her waiting.
SAMPSON: I’m actually really interested in what you have to say about this. Tell me what you find out. [Sampson rushes out]
FRANCIS: I am not easy to surprise, but Sampson just got me. He’s interested in one of MY theories? I must be getting to him after all.)
FRANCIS: -Gasp- He didn’t become interested in my theories until I started putting everything together… Sampson’s been spying on me. But why?
CC: You might think the ice caps are melting because of the increased heat, but that surprisingly isn’t the case. The reason there has been less ice is because the government has been stealing it and launching it into the atmosphere to cool the planet…
SAMPSON: All this talk of global cooling reminds me I’ve got to get going.
FRANCIS: Where you going?
SAMPSON: Snowball fight. See ya later.
FRANCIS: Have fun Sampson!
Wait a minute… It’s not snowing out. It’s probably one of those cool places that make fake snow.)
FRANCIS: Sampson works for the government! They must have gotten suspicious that I know things, and he’s been keeping tabs on me this whole time… Ever since he realized I’m an actual threat he’s been pretending to be my sidekick to get close. I’m not a threat a fraud! It’s all from Abe Lincoln’s journal. I don’t even have a lisp, The X. Files are a conspiracy in itself!
If this is going to be my last conspiracy I’m going to tell you the complete truth interwebs… Abraham Lincoln was the best future predictor in all of history, and he also had the ability to see into the past, but he hid his gift from the planet. There was only one place where all the secrets of Earth’s history were stored and this was his journal! Some time ago I came into possession of this journal. I was just minding my own businesses one day, exploring a major get together for conspiracies, when I was approached by a guy with a thick French accent who handed me this book and told me “the truth is in here”. His face was covered so I couldn’t see it, and he slipped into the crowds. I never saw him again. I thought this was suspicious, but I trusted him for some reason.Upon reading the journal, I realized that this man must have been Jaques F Kenedienne himself! With this realization I questioned why he would give this book to me. Going back through the book and noticing a pattern throughout history of his movements I came to my conclusion: I must be the spirit of Sotunde. According to this journal, Steve Jobs was the last known Sotunde and the title was about to be inherited. There is a war coming, but I don’t know how it ends, and the spirit of Sotunde is also unknown to me. See, there was another part to this journal that I didn’t receive. I created the X. Files to spread the truth and gain the attention of Kenedienne so he could take me with him. Now I’m considered a threat to the government and they’re coming after me!
[A loud door slams and Francis screams]
SAMPSON: Whoa! Francis! I didn’t know you were home. Sorry.
FRANCIS: Why would you close the door like that Sampson? And where have you been? You’ve been gone for 2 weeks!
SAMPSON: I um… I misjudged my own strength there. I didn’t know you were home. What are you doing?
FRANCIS: I’m filming an X. Files…
SAMPSON: Under the covers? Geez Francis, why do you look so scared?
FRANCIS: I think the government might be after me Sampson. They’re after my journal.
SAMPSON: Why would they be after your journal? I doubt there’s anything interesting in there. Let’s get set up like normal. You can’t do this show without your partner right?
FRANCIS (nervous): Hehe. Sidekick.
[Normal Settup and Francis is all nervous]
FRANCIS: You avoided my question Sampson. What have you been doing for 2 weeks?
SAMPSON: I’ve been staying with a friend. Didn’t I tell you I was going?
FRANCIS: I don’t think so.
SAMPSON: I bet I did and you just forgot…
FRANCIS: That’s possible.
[Francis smells something]
Ugh. Was it that cigarette smoking friend who’s a fan of my show? You smell of smoke Sampson!
SAMPSON: Actually it was… I was so disappointed when he broke down and started again this week. He’s been trying so hard to stop. Before I left I convinced him to give nicotine patches another go.
FRANCIS: Uh huh.
SAMPSON: So what are you talking about today?
FRANCIS (freaking out): You’re an agent Sampson! You’ve been spying on me this whole time and now the government is going to take me away and do terrible things to me…
SAMPSON: Hold on Francis! What are you talking about?
FRANCIS: I’ve been looking at old footage Sampson and you are an incredibly suspicious person. I concluded that you’re a government agent and you’re after me!
SAMPSON (laughing): See Francis! That’s what you get for making a conspiracy show: you’re paranoid. Was I actually being suspicious or were you just looking for something that isn’t there?
FRANCIS: Well I- um… Maybe. I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling.
SAMPSON: I’ll protect you pal. Don’t worry. If the government comes after you I’ll defend you.
FRANCIS: Thank you Sampson. They won’t ever take us alive… Sampson, Why are you wearing a suit?
SAMPSON (sardonically): I had a date.
FRANCIS: You’re an agent! Oh my goodness, I knew it!
[Francis dives next to his bed and pulls out a gun on Sampson]
Doctor Kenedienne, if you’re watching this know I tried! You entrusted me with Abe Lincoln’s journal and I blew it… I’m sorry Doctor. I’m sorry!
SAMPSON: What are you talking about?
FRANCIS (crazier than ever): This is the source for all my conspiracies Sampson. Are you happy? I’m the spirit of Sotunde and Jaques F Kenedienne is going to save me! He’s going to take me away to fight in his time war and we’re going to destroy Tom Cruise together! I’ll be with him on the front lines as we decimate Mooneliminator base! I need the second half of the journal! I want to know what happens to me Sampson! The world will be free of the Illuminati one day! This is a promise!
SAMPSON (reaching into his jacket): You’re insane Francis! You need help!
FRANCIS: Who’s gonna help me? You? The government? You all just want to see the truth burn! What are you doing Sampson? Don’t even try it Sampson. Pull out whatever is in that pocket nice and slow.
SAMPSON (a little nervous): Alright Francis.
[Sampson casually pulls out sunglasses]
They’re just sunglasses see? Nothing dangerous to you. Mind if I put them on?
FRANCIS: Fine, but why?
SAMPSON: So you can tell me how I look in them of course.
FRANCIS: This isn’t a joking matter Sampson!
SAMPSON: No it isn’t. I’m sorry… You are sick Francis. Let me help you. Put down the gun. Put it down. I’m your friend.
FRANCIS: You’re my friend?
SAMPSON: Yes. I’m your friend. If you put down the gun I promise to show you this really cool thing I got for you while I was away.
FRANCIS: You got something for me Sampson?
SAMPSON: Yes Francis. I did. It’s in my jacket pocket. Would you mind if I got it?
FRANCIS: Go ahead. But do it slowly.
[Sampson pulls out a pen]
You got me a pen? That’s not cool.
SAMPSON: Look a little closer at it Francis.
[Francis leans in and a flash emanates from the pen as Sampson raises his sleeve to his face, lighting up the whole screen white]
SAMPSON (in a faded voice): I have the journal. Move in for extraction.
Alternate endings: Progressively more ludicrous
That’s a BB gun
Sampson season/ Francis Season
Ooh! He’s got a nice pen
I’m Sampson Brown and remember: The truth is in here
Francis is a method actor and we’re working on a soundstage
Francis actually is crazy. He’s just a patient in an asylum holding his hand in a gun position on a Shakespeare book.
“Who’s gonna help me? …”
“Francis, you’re sick. Let me help you. Put the gun down, I’m your friend.”
“You’re my friend?”
“Francis we’ve gone through this before. I’m your doctor and all I want is for you to get better.”
“No! You’re my sidekick Sampson.”
“No Francis I’m your doctor. I to come visit you every two weeks and you tell me everything that’s been on your mind lately.”
Sampson pulls out a pen
“No!!! What are you going to do with that?”
“It’s just a pen Francis. I’m going to take some notes on our session today”
“You’re going to flash me and incapacitate me!”
Francis runs into a corner and huddles.
“This concludes our session Francis. I’ll see you soon OK?”
He leaves him talking into a tape recorder “subject it getting worse”. Francis is huddled in a corner talking to himself.
“This has been another episode of the X. Files.”
The camera pans around the room and reveals all his ideas. The X-Files are on a projector. Paging Doctor Kenedienne, etc.
Sampson walks out of the room