Episode 6: War on the Mind
[Sampson’s costume: White dress shirt, dress pants, black tie] [Sampson slips in subliminal messages throughout the episode]
[Sampson stares at Francis while he is getting set up. All is completely silent except for the odd cough or little noise. When Francis is about to start he notices Sampson staring and he looks back. Every time he’s about to start he keeps looking back at Sampson]
FRANCIS (creeped out): Hello interwebs… My name is Francis X. Files, and this is the X. Files… Title card?
SAMPSON (still staring, but lively): So what are we going to be talking about today?
FRANCIS: What do you mean we Sampson?
SAMPSON: I’m your partner remember? It’s like you said the other week: the fans expect my part in the show too, so if you can’t beat em’ join em’.
FRANCIS [Gets up and hugs Sampson]: Oh my goodness Sampson! Does this mean you’re a believer now?
SAMPSON: Haha. Yeah right. The way I see it, it’s nearly like my duty to prove you wrong on this show. Or at least play devil’s advocate to whatever trash you come up with.
FRANCIS: Thank you Sampson! Thank you! But by the way you’re my sidekick, not my partner.
SAMPSON: Sigh… Alright.
FRANCIS: I thought you’d been acting a little strange lately the way you’ve been studying me, but you were obviously just watching me to see what I’m doing right? The better you know me the better our dynamic can get right Sampson? I mean I’ve watched you enough when you don’t notice.
SAMPSON: Exactly Francis! You’re my roommate and my friend. Just because we fundamentally disagree doesn’t mean we shouldn’t know about each other. And I have noticed by the way…
FRANCIS: Hehe. No apologies comrade. Wow interwebs. Sampson just made me really happy… Today on the X. Files we’re going to be discussing how the Illuminati (otherwise known as the government) controls us and how they’re going to keep us in line. Let’s talk about that!
SAMPSON: Holy stolen catchphrases Francis! That transition is taken…
FRANCIS: You’re right Sampson… To the Conspiracy Corner.
[Conspiracy corner with Batman 1966 transition sound]
Alright interwebs: let’s get the obvious out of the way: The Illuminati runs the government, Apple, Facebook, and Google. This basically gives them free reign over everything. Before you ask: don’t worry about Twitter guys. As long as you don’t post stupid things you’ll be fine… Probably. I’ll get into the origin of the Illuminati in my next episode. The above mentioned institutions are their legitimate businesses which also double as a legal means to gain and distribute information. They funnel the money they earn through these enterprises to fund their ultimate superweapon: Mooneliminator base. It doesn’t have the ability to destroy planets… yet, but that’s their ultimate plan. Should their power ever be broken, they would be more willing to destroy the entire planet and evacuate themselves somewhere else than see a free world. The base is built into the moon, and while the planet killing function is in the works, it’s current function is to broadcast messages to Earth on frequencies we cannot comprehend. These frequencies play with our minds and force us to buy into consumer products that they control. It is in this way that they steal our information through subliminal messaging and then our money through subliminal advertising. They choose what we see and when we see it. When Jaques F Kenedienne struck a major blow to them in the 1990s and created the internet as a bastion for free speech and information, the Illuminati hijacked it with their companies. I urge all viewers to find and explore the dark web! The last remaining vestige of freedom on the interwebs! The Illuminati has not taken full control of this yet so you might just be safe from them. There is no escape anywhere else. The practice of subtle mind control has been practiced for centuries by the Illuminati after the people began getting free will. During the time of absolute monarchies (which they controlled), people didn’t question things, but after revolutions throughout history, they realized they would need to control the masses in more subtle ways. This practice has been taken to it’s absolute apex in the information age by cunning prospects like Google and Mooneleminator base under the guidance the Illuminati’s fearless leader, and Kenedienne’s ultimate nemesis: Tom Cruise.
FRANCIS: Alright Sampson, let me have it. What did you think was stupid about this one?
SAMPSON (coming up from a note pad): All of it of course. But I need to pick a good place to begin… How about Mooneliminator base? That’s taken. It’s just another death star.
FRANCIS: I know right Sampson? They’re ripping off Star Wars!
SAMPSON: Or you are.
FRANCIS: Do you accuse me of plagiarism? I’m insulted Sampson! Insulted! If anything George Lucas probably ripped off the plans from the Illuminati in the first place.
SAMPSON: Fine, let’s say that Mooneliminator base is real and it does force people to buy into advertising, I want to ask you this question that’s important to a lot of people: If Apple and Google are both part of the Illuminati, where does Microsoft fit?
FRANCIS: I’m glad you asked that Sampson. Microsoft was founded by Bill Gates as I’m sure you’re aware, but what you probably didn’t know was that Gates is a close personal friend of Jaques F. Kenedienne.
SAMPSON: And what about Sony?
FRANCIS: They’re neutral.
SAMPSON (taking more notes): Ah. OK.
SAMPSON: Yes Francis?
FRANCIS (angry): Why aren’t you fighting me?
SAMPSON: I’m just getting some points down… Here we are. Did you ever think that maybe people just choose these things for themselves? I’ll concede that these companies are totally stealing our information and making money off it, but I highly doubt they’re forcing us to use them in the first place. The Illuminati isn’t real Francis! Neither is Jaques F Kenedienne! And if the Illuminati did exist I can guarantee you Tom Cruise would not be in charge of them!
FRANCIS: What makes you so sure Sampson? How can you prove I’m wrong?
SAMPSON: How can you prove you’re right?
FRANCIS: My source is as honest as they come Sampson. How dare you call him into doubt!
SAMPSON: Don’t get touchy Francis! I know you’re honest; I’m just asking.
FRANCIS: You think I mean myself? Oh! Ahem. Yes Sampson. You should know how honest I am!
SAMPSON: I still think you’re theories are dumb…
FRANCIS (getting up angrily): That’s enough Sampson! Shut up and fight me like a man!
[Sampson stands up. Francis cowers]
OK OK. I give up.
SAMPSON: Good choice Francis.
I’m hanging out with a buddy of mine tonight. I should probably head out now. I’ll see you later OK?
FRANCIS: It’s not that cigarette smoking guy is it? I hate how your clothes always smell like smoke when you come back…
SAMPSON: Don’t bash on him Francis! He’s been trying to quit for a really long time now. I’m even grabbing him some nicotine patches on my way. I think you’d really like him actually. It frustrates me to no end, but he’s an X. Phile…
FRANCIS: A fan! Give him my regards please Sampson.
SAMPSON: Sigh… I will. Maybe if you’re up for it I’ll let him meet you one day.
FRANCIS: I’d love that Sampson. I always have time for my fans!
SAMPSON: See you later.
FRANCIS: Isn’t that nice? Sampson is starting to warm up to the show, and even his friends love it! Wait a minute… Something seems a little off about all this. It’s probably just my paranoia talking, but I think I ought to push him a little next episode… I’m not going to say how though. He might watch this episode. This has been another installment of the X. Files. I’m Francis X. Files and remember: the truth is in here…