Episode 5: Celebrities conspiracies
[Sampson’s costume: Dress shirt, dress pants, tie][Shakespeare most wanted poster on the wall]
FRANCIS: Sampson Sampson! Guess what.
SAMPSON: You’re cancelling the show? I hope it’s that.
FRANCIS: No silly. We have a fan club! They call themselves the X- Philes. Get it? Like with a PH?
SAMPSON: That’s taken… That’s what fans of the ACTUAL X-Files call themselves.
FRANCIS: Well how do they spell it?
SAMPSON: X hyphen Philes, with the PH.
FRANCIS: Oh, well that’s OK. Our fans spell it X dot Philes, with a PH. [Sampson slaps his forehead]
SAMPSON: YOUR fans Francis. YOUR fans. I don’t have any.
FRANCIS: Tell that to this Sampson fan art sent in by Alisha X. Files and Jessica Brown. Thank you girls!
SAMPSON: You have got to be kidding me…Did they just take our last names?
FRANCIS: Title card!
[Title card]
FRANCIS: Hello interwebs, my name is Francis X. Files and this is the X. Files!
SAMPSON: -Sigh- Give me the strength…
FRANCIS: Today is a very special episode. We’re going to be discussing celebrity conspiracies!
SAMPSON: Oh goody… Let me guess. JFK is going to be in there?
FRANCIS: Goodness no Sampson. Why would I give more air time to that government puppet? KENEDIENNE on the other hand will feature.
SAMPSON: Alright. Just go to your little animation…
FRANCIS: You aren’t going to offer any pre corner blurb on why I’m wrong before I get started?
SAMPSON: What’s the point?
FRANCIS: Sampson, you’re an integral part of the show. You’re like my Watson, my Robin, my… Sampson. You’re my sidekick.
SAMPSON: I’m no sidekick.
FRANCIS: The fans have come to expect a certain amount of rebuttal to my theories from you. It keeps things interesting.
SAMPSON: Really?
FRANCIS: Yes Sampson. The people love you.
SAMPSON: They do? They love me? Well I can’t keep the people wanting. Your theory is a load of-
FRANCIS: Shut up Sampson! To the Conspiracy Corner!
Throughout history there have been many celebrities who’s life story was more than meets the eye. My own story may be included among their ranks. Hehe. Maybe not yet, but one day. Anyways, these celebrities’ lives were just massive conspiracies, and I’m going to share some of my favourites with you interwebs:
Let’s start off with the King of Rock and Roll himself. Elvis Presley is still alive. They found his body huh? Wrong! Elvis is a shapeshifter who just shedded his fat body and got a new one. Next! Adolf Hitler, as we previously discussed in my Global cooling episode, is living on Mars now. How about the Beatles? A more diverse group of anomalies never existed. Their music was pretty good too. Let’s see here: Paul McCartney was a ghost, George Harrison was an angel, John Lennon was a siren, and ringo was the drummer. Hmm. Who else? Michael Jackson was never really black. He was adopted and it was just a marketing ploy because he was the most talented one in his family. I never said these conspiracies had to be Earth shattering… Gosh guys. Calm down. Marilyn Monroe was an alien from a race of beautiful humanlike women (hence the blonde bombshell routine. She was just legitimately confused about human customs). She’s actually still alive, believe it or not. Once she became the companion of JFK (get your minds out of the gutter interwebs. I’m talking about Kenedienne here) she’s been his most trusted ally throughout his adventures in time. We’ve discussed Leonardo Da Vinci on this show before as the close personal friend of Kenedienne, but what you didn’t know was that he was really the spirit of Sotunde. The most influential inventors throughout history, going all the way back to prometheus were possessed by the spirit and Da Vinci was one of the most well known. Kenedienne looks for the representation of this spirit in every era he travels and attempts to find him before the government does. I’ve saved the best for last. This is a good one guys. After the apparent success of the Kennedy Clone before the assassination, the government went even further in their quest for power. In 1962 they created the perfect man. He would grow up to become rich, famous, loved the world over, and in charge of the illuminati itself. He is the archnemesis of Doctor Kenedienne and possesses regenerative superpowers similar to his ultimate rival. This is how he’s never aged. The man who has attempted to beat him at every corner throughout history. This man… is Tom Cruise.
SAMPSON: What the fuck?
FRANCIS: Language Sampson.
SAMPSON: How do you come up with this crap? Who would ever believe Tom Cruise is in charge of the Illuminati?
FRANCIS: Exactly! It’s the perfect cover! Tell me Sampson. Do you like Tom Cruise?
SAMPSON: I don’t know anyone who doesn’t.
FRANCIS: Neither do I. Tom Cruise has to be the only person on the planet nobody could dislike. If you do then you’re a liar.
SAMPSON: Fine… But that doesn’t mean he’s in charge of the Illuminati.
FRANCIS: Think about it Sampson. Nobody dislikes him, he always plays heroes, he’s one of the last movie stars. Tom Cruise is one of the last actors in Hollywood that people will go to his movies just because he’s in it.
SAMPSON: What about Collateral then? He played a villain.
FRANCIS: A brilliant swerve on his part. I must say.
SAMPSON: So the guy played a villain one time. That doesn’t prove anything.
FRANCIS: Sampson, you are extra adamant to fight me on this one aren’t you? I’ll admit some of my theories might have been somewhat questionable in the past, but this is probably the most obvious reveal I’ll ever do on this show. Kenedienne is my hero, and Tom Cruise is his arch nemesis. He’s the complete reverse of everything Kenedienne stands for, but even I love him Sampson. He’s that likable.
SAMPSON: Whatever. What was that stuff about the spirit of Sotunde? That didn’t make any sense to me either.
FRANCIS: The spirit of Sotunde manifests itself as the most brilliant inventor of any era and it’s been fought over for centuries by the forces of good and evil. With the exception of Da Vinci, Kenedienne has failed to get him until the 1800’s. Before this, the Illuminati was in control and they were able to take the best inventions of the time for themselves before making it secret. Technology didn’t begin to increase for regular society until Kenedienne got to Sotunde multiple times during the 19th and 20th centuries. Unfortunately, The government struck a victory when they got to Steve Jobs (the most current sotunde) and founded Apple as the tech branch of the Illuminati. After he died a new search began. I have my own theory on the current Sotunde…
SAMPSON: Please don’t tell me you think it’s-
FRANCIS: I believe I am the current Sotunde. Doctor Kenedienne, if you’re watching take me with you! I want to fight in your war!
SAMPSON: Wait, what war?
FRANCIS: Kenedienne is recruiting an army of people throughout history for an ultimate crusade against the Illuminati. They’re going to fight over possession of all truths, and the battle will span all periods of human history. We’ll discuss this on a future X. Files.
SAMPSON [Getting serious]: Francis, are you absolutely sure that this is happening?
FRANCIS: Yes silly, my jour- My sources are impeccable.
SAMPSON: I have to go right now!
FRANCIS: Got a hot date tonight Sampson? Wouldn’t want to keep her waiting.
SAMPSON: I’m actually really interested in what you have to say about this. Tell me what you find out.
[Sampson rushes out]
FRANCIS: I am not easy to surprise, but Sampson just got me. He’s interested in one of MY theories? I must be getting to him after all. Well interwebs, and X. Philes everywhere, this has been another episode of the X. Files. I’m Francis X. Files and remember: The Truth is in here…
