Episode 4: Phantom Time Hypothesis
[Sampson’s costume: Dress shirt, dress pants]
FRANCIS: Hello interwebs. My name is Ajax X. Files and this is the X. Files.
SAMPSON: That’s taken. You’re just stealing jokes from Deadpool Francis.
FRANCIS: Shut up Sampson! I actually saw that one…
SAMPSON: Forgive me for assuming you ripped off material from somebody else without knowing it. “That’s taken” is nearly becoming a catch phrase of mine…
FRANCIS: Do I have any cool catchphrases now?
SAMPSON: I don’t know. What’s that dumb thing you always say when you do an intro… Title card?
[Title card]
FRANCIS: You stole my catchphrase Sampson!
SAMPSON: You edit these!
FRANCIS: Haha. Oh yeah. Title card!
SAMPSON: You might as well just use mine now… It’ll probably flow better.
FRANCIS: Shut up Sampson! I’ve got a great theory for you today interwebs: The Phantom Time Hypothesis!
SAMPSON: Is that the one where the Holy Roman emperor added 300 years to the calendar so that part of the middle ages never existed?
FRANCIS: Close. The middle ages didn’t exist, but that’s not quite what happened.
SAMPSON: I swear if this is another story about that Jaques F Kennedienne guy-
FRANCIS: Let’s go to the Conspiracy Corner!
Ever wonder why historians know little about the middle ages? Think of how much we know about ancient societies like the Greeks and the Romans, and more modern societies after the renaissance, but how little we know about the dark ages. I think I should mention early on that the term “dark ages” is actually a conspiracy in itself. There was just as much light as there is now. The reason they call it the dark ages is because we can no longer see it. I don’t expect you to understand right now, but let me give you all a little lesson on history itself: See, history has never truly been documented in the way we think it has. In actuality, everything we know about history has been documented through the use of time travel. Historians are actually just time travelling documenters who take notes on their observations and bring them back to the present to spread to the masses. The only true documenter of history in history was William Shakespeare because he was the only one to ever do actual research. The link to his life conspiracy is above. As a bit of a refresher, each and every one of Shakespeare’s plays were historical documentation made to look like stories. Yadda yadda yadda. He wrote the bible too. Watch the video! Now on to the theory. The middle ages did in fact exist, but due to a massive action on the part of famed time traveller Jaque F Kenedienne, the era was closed off to time travelers forever. When the mayans predicted that the world would end in 2012, they were really predicting the end of time itself. Time exists in a ball form so that every period is happening simultaneously at all times. This ball was unstable and about to cause the end of time itself, so something needed to be done. Seeing an opportunity, the government began working to contain this ball so that they could use it to end time should they not be able to retain control of it. Kenedienne prevented the middle ages from happening more than once, and this created a hole in time just large enough that time will never be fully completed!
[Sampson smashes his head repeatedly on his desk]
FRANCIS: Quiet Sampson! Your rock and roll and heavy metal headbanging is going to mess up my audio for this conspiracy corner.
SAMPSON: I’m not listening to music…
FRANCIS: As I was saying-
SAMPSON: This has to be your most ridiculous conspiracy yet! World ending time balls? Really? This is a new low even for you Francis… How does it even make any sense that time travelers document history? People have always documented history.
FRANCIS: You know the old saying Sampson: Those who don’t know their history are doomed to repeat it. Think about how little human society evolved before the 20th century. The world didn’t start to change until time travel was invented after World War 1! That’s why history looks so similar until the 20th century.
SAMPSON: Well then why don’t we know everything about history then?
FRANCIS: That’s an easy one: The government chooses who gets to go, and they hold back the flow of most information so that modern society won’t surpass them.
SAMPSON: How about Kenedienne then? Why doesn’t he just reveal the truth to everyone?
FRANCIS: The truth is his mission Sampson! But after he put a hole in the government’s superweapon they’ve been policing time with agents throughout history. Kenedienne can’t go back to an era he’s been before or else he’ll be captured! He’s done this before, of course, when he absolutely has to, but it’s very risky. Before the modern interpretation of “the government”, the monarchs of Europe and the Church were in power and they all know to look out for him.
SAMPSON: Wait, didn’t you say Kenedienne sent Shakespeare back in time to write the Bible?
FRANCIS: I’m afraid this was his first mistake. Kenedienne was still new to his mission at the time and he didn’t fully know his enemies yet. When he sent Shakespeare back, he was trying to get him to make the greatest historical document ever created. When the church formed and discredited the Bible as simply allegories and stories, Kenedienne inadvertently created his own worst enemy..
[Sampson is suddenly silent and serious]
FRANCIS: Sampson? Hello Sampson?
SAMPSON: Be careful with these theories Francis. You wouldn’t want to catch the wrong kind of attention.
[Sampson solemnly walks out of the room]
FRANCIS: Like trolls on the internet? Don’t worry Sampson I will! Well Interwebs, this has been another episode of the X. Files. I’m your host Francis X. Files, and remember: The Truth is in here!
NOTES ON ANIMATION:When talking about time as a ball, use the Death Star. Show it blowing up when it becomes unstable. Use the little port hole at the end of the trench to show the flaw Kennedienne left in the system as a failsafe (like in Rogue One).
