Episode 3: Shakespeare didn’t exist
FRANCIS: O Sampson Sampson. Wherefore art thou Sampson?
[Sampson comes in (His costume: Dress shirt, casual pants)]
SAMPSON: Knock it off! You’ve been quoting Shakespeare all day…
FRANCIS: It’s for my video.
SAMPSON: You’re making another one of these? Sigh…
FRANCIS: Hello interwebs. My name is Francis X. Files and this is the X. Files.
SAMPSON: That’s still taken…
FRANCIS: Today I’ll be discussing the theory that Shakespeare didn’t exist.
SAMPSON: Tell this one to my English teacher…
FRANCIS: Title card!
[Title card]
[Sampson waits patiently]
FRANCIS: Aren’t you going to say something Sampson? This is usually the part where you start criticizing me.
SAMPSON: Not right now Francis. I want to see how this plays out. Shakespeare not existing is a theory I actually believe in.
FRANCIS: Wow! Sampson! I might make a believer out of you yet! Let’s go to the Conspiracy corner:
[Conspiracy corner]
To be or not to be: that is the question. Shakespeare was… Sorry interwebs. I was trying to make a joke. Ha-ha! I’m trying to say that he was real! Now you’re probably saying to yourself “but Francis. You believe in a mass theory?” Of course not. Shakespeare did in fact exist but he wasn’t the genius everyone thought he was. In reality every single one of his plays was based on actual historical events. Shakespeare was nothing but an avid journalist! He was not intentionally trying to write plays: He was making a historical documentation. Elements of each text were found to be incriminating to the church and monarchy, so they sent their agents to eradicate the evidence. Unfortunately they failed in their task and the best they could do was steal every single one of Shakespeare’s documents! With these in hand, they hired the best writers and poets of the time to turn the stories into dialogue. They then sold the completed works to theatres under the pen name of William Shakespeare and put them on as plays in the hopes of tricking the dumb peasants into believing that these events never existed. The worst part is they succeeded! To this day we think of Shakespeare’s stories as just that: Stories. Romeo and Juliet were real, so were Hamlet, Ophelia, Macbeth, Othello,Viola, the fairies, and everybody else! But why would Shakespeare not say anything? These stories were a desecration of everything he stood for right? Exactly! At first he did try to speak out against the plays as historically inaccurate and proclaimed that many of the events depicted were in fact real. English society found him to be insane, but they liked the stories so much they just ignored his apparent lunacy. When Shakespeare suddenly disappeared the masses never questioned it because the plays were still coming out! What really happened was that the government locked up the real WIlliam Shakespeare in prison so that he would never reveal their censoring of history. After many years, Shakespeare broke out of prison by digging a hole in the rock and covering it up with some kind of poster…
SAMPSON: Wait a minute. That last bit is just the ending of the Shawshank Redemption.
FRANCIS: Thit! Spoilers! I haven’t seen that one yet Sampson! Critics said that it’s the best movie ever and you spoiled it for me!
SAMPSON: What have you seen Francis?
FRANCIS: The original 3 Star Wars Movies and the Clone Wars cartoon. And maybe some other stuff… No time for that in this episode
SAMPSON: What about the prequels?
FRANCIS: Those are a conspiracy. They didn’t exist.
SAMPSON: Or maybe you just didn’t like them?
FRANCIS: We were talking about Shakespeare. So yes. He broke out of prison and went on the run from the church and the government.
SAMPSON: Historical records show that Shakespeare bought a house in London; he had a family; he had a theatre company. If he was locked up then how did all this stuff happen?
FRANCIS: I thought you said he didn’t exist.
SAMPSON: I’m just asking legitimate questions to test your theory.
FRANCIS: OK then Sampson. The government paid off his family and got all this stuff in Shakespeare’s name to drop suspicion. Since the church had a lot to gain too, they falsified the records. They even came up with a fake will and death certificate!
SAMPSON: I see where you’re coming from, but there’s a massive gaping hole in your theory Francis. What happened to Shakespeare? He got out of prison and then what? Just kept quiet?
FRANCIS: This is my favourite part! The time travelling hero Jaques F Kennedienne found Shakespeare and took him as a companion! Watch my video about him here. The two of them went travelling throughout time, saving the world and foiling government conspiracies!
SAMPSON: And now you lost me…There is no such person as Jaques F Kennedienne!
FRANCIS: Sampson doth protest too much, methinks. It’s not like Shakespeare stayed with him forever. After an adventure just around the middle ages, Shakespeare had an opportunity to do what he always wanted to do.
SAMPSON: And that was?
FRANCIS: Write a great comprehensive historical document that would stand the test of time.
SAMPSON: You aren’t seriously suggesting…
FRANCIS: Yes. Shakespeare wrote the bible! The most historically accurate document and best selling book of all time!
SAMPSON: I’ve heard before that the only original works in western literature are Shakespeare and the Bible.
FRANCIS: Same thing.
SAMPSON: That doesn’t even make any sense. If the church was against Shakespeare for revealing conspiracies against them that means the bible already existed. That means he always went back.
FRANCIS: Sampson. People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect. But actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey… stuff.
SAMPSON: Again with the Doctor Who stuff?
FRANCIS: Kennedienne Sampson. Doctor Kennedienne.
[Sampson spills something on his hand and it leaves a mark]
SAMPSON: Out, damned spot! Out I say!
FRANCIS: Alright Interwebs. This has been another episode of the X. Files. I’m Francis X. Files. Remember: The truth is in here.
