Episode 2: What Really Happened to JFK
FRANCIS: Hello interwebs! My name is Francis X. Files, and this is the X. Files.
SAMPSON: -sigh-
FRANCIS: Shut up Sampson! You nearly ruined my first episode with all your negativity.
SAMPSON: I happen to think this show could use another point of view… Or at the very least someone to call you out. By the way, I saw the first episode. Why did you photoshop us onto FBI cards in the intro?
FRANCIS: Because we’re part of a little conspiracy club I invented. FBI stands for the Francis Bureau of Investigation.
SAMPSON: The FBI already exists. It’s taken.
FRANCIS: Shit! They stole my idea! Who runs this FBI?
SAMPSON: The government…
FRANCIS: It’s a conspiracy! Speaking of the government, today I’m going to be covering the truth behind John F Kennedy. Title card!
[Title sequence]
SAMPSON: This isn’t a conspiracy Francis! It was Lee Harvey Oswald who killed him…
FRANCIS: Spoilers! Shut up Sampson! Sorry about him interwebs… He’s already being a negative nancy.
SAMPSON: Better than a fanatical Francis…
FRANCIS:Llllaides and Gentlemen. Let’s get ready to go to the Conspiracy Corner!
[The Conspiracy Corner]
When most conspiracy theorists talk about JFK they debate the cause of his assassination. I’m here to tell you the truth: his life was a conspiracy too. But for the whole story, we have to go back in time to 15th century France. This time period marked the end of the middle ages and the start of the renaissance, so as you can predict I’ll be talking about a load of famous people. After World War 2, the US government came up with a plan to travel through time to search history for what they considered to be the perfect president. Settling on a Frenchman from the renaissance by the name of Doctor Jacques F Kenedienne, the government kidnapped this man and cloned him. Taking the new embryo, they took their creation back to the future and implanted the child, choosing to leave him with the affluent Kennedy family and subtly grooming him to be president. But what happened to Jacques? Why didn’t they take him? He was already embedded in the time stream and so they felt taking him out would mess things up. They were very wrong. One of the government agents screwed up and didn’t sedate him enough so he was conscious near the end of the procedure and overheard what was happening. Unable to forget, he sought out a young Nostradamus for guidance. The famous future predictor told Mr Kenedienne about the unfortunate fate of his future clone. Feeling the need to intervene, Kenedienne’s new goal was to make it to the future. Nostradamus pointed him in the direction of famous artist and inventor Leonardo da Vinci. So Kenedienne traveled to Italy to find da Vinci and, having already started the project, Kenedienne’s urgent mission was the push he needed to complete the time machine. Arriving in England, 1963, because the coordinates were off, the time machine broke down. Fortunately Kenedienne was able to fly it to the United States. Tracking down Lee Harvey Oswald on the day of the assassination, Kennedienne caught Oswald and knocked him out cold. Here’s the twist; Kennedienne didn’t even change history! See, Lee Harvey Oswald was actually working for JFK as secret secret service in charge of his protection that day. The only two people who knew this were him and the clone JFK. After having knocked out Lee Harvey Oswald, Kenedienne took up the gun himself and shot the clone!
SAMPSON: Wait what?! So you’re saying JFK assassinated himself?
FRANCIS: Yup.
SAMPSON: And then pinned the murder on Lee Harvey Oswald.
FRANCIS: Yup.
SAMPSON: Where do I begin to tell you how stupid all of that sounded? First off. Where did this guy Kenedienne end up?
FRANCIS: The government cloning processes left Jaques with regenerative superpowers whereby he could form a new body after death. He can only do this 13 times though. That was just a fun fact I wanted to mention.
SAMPSON: Skirting around the question Francis… Wait. That sounds familiar. Where did he end up?
FRANCIS: While he was in England, his time machine’s chameleon circuit broke and it got stuck as a police box. Since the assassination of that brainwashed clone he took that box and has been travelling through time making new friends and saving the world countless times.
SAMPSON: Doctor who!
FRANCIS: Doctor Kenedienne Sampson. At least you remembered he was a doctor.
SAMPSON: No… Haven’t you ever heard of Doctor Who? Longest running sci fi series ever?
FRANCIS: I know not of what you speak.
SAMPSON: You really ought to catch up on pop culture Francis.
FRANCIS: You say it bears a resemblance to Kenedienne? Perhaps it was based on him?
SAMPSON: Don’t be ridiculous! There’s no way Doctor Who was based on this guy.
FRANCIS: When did your little TV show premiere?
SAMPSON: Let me look it up… Alright. It was November 23rd 1963.
FRANCIS: Sampson. The Kennedy assassination was November 22nd, 1963. You know what that means. I’m right. I’m right, I’m right I’m right!
SAMPSON [jaw to the floor]: But the… What?
FRANCIS: I’m right.
SAMPSON: I don’t have time for this… I’ll be back in a little bit. I’m gonna be on the phone OK?
FRANCIS: I’ll never understand why Sampson insists on making all his calls out of public phone booths… Sometimes he takes a really long time to come back. I ought to buy him a cell phone for Christmas or something. Well interwebs, this has been another episode of the X. Files. I’m Francis X. Files and remember: the truth is in here!
