The X. Files
Episode 1: Global Cooling Theory
FRANCIS: Hello internet. My name is Francis X. Files and this is my roommate Sampson
SAMPSON: What?
FRANCIS: Shut up Sampson, I’m trying to film a video!
SAMPSON: Um. Why?
FRANCIS: Because I want to talk about conspiracies on the interwebs… It’s going to be cool.
SAMPSON: Nobody calls it the interwebs Francis.
FRANCIS: Title card!
[X-files theme plays backwards to rip off clips of the X-Files]
FRANCIS: I hope you all loved that little song I put together. It’s my masterpiece!
SAMPSON: What are you talking about? That’s just the X-Files theme backwards.
FRANCIS: Yeah. Of course it is. My show is called the X. Files
SAMPSON: That’s taken. Haven’t you ever heard of the X-Files?
FRANCIS: I know not of what you speak comrade. How do they spell it?
SAMPSON: X hyphen Files.
FRANCIS: Oh that’s fine! I spell mine X dot files.
SAMPSON: Carry on Francis.
FRANCIS: Before I was so rudely interrupted by Sampson I was just about to tell you how Global Warming is completely fake! In fact the Earth is cooling! The Earth isn’t heating up. It’s going through what I like to call Metamorphosis.
SAMPSON: What the rest of the world calls climate change.
FRANCIS: Shut up Sampson! Let’s go to the Conspiracy Corner
[Cartoon rendering of Francis’ description]
Aliens from Mars have set up a big mirror to reflect the sun’s rays to Earth to heat it up. The governments of the world have known this since JFK. Believe it or not this wasn’t the cause for his assassination, but we’ll get to that in a different episode. During the 1960s humans sent probes into space and those probes noticed the mirrors. The world has known about aliens for generations. We even have a peace treaty with Mars, agreed on in the 1940s stating that we cannot interfere in the affairs of each other’s worlds. Maybe you ask yourself why we haven’t gone to war with Mars? They broke the treaty right? Wrong! In actuality there’s a civil war on mars and the reflective mirrors were set by rebel martians who have hated the earth since H.G Wells wrote his bestselling novel War of the Worlds where Martians attack the planet. That’s why the placement of these mirrors isn’t exactly an act of war. Our peace treaty with the Martians prohibits us from interfering in their affairs since they haven’t asked us for help. The world will begin to cool once the Martians deal with their little problem. Back to us. You might think the ice caps are melting because of the increased heat, but that surprisingly isn’t the case. The reason there has been less ice is because the government has been stealing it and launching it into the atmosphere to cool the planet…
SAMPSON: I can’t listen to this any more. This is the most ridiculous theory I’ve ever heard in my life. Forget the inherent irony that Martians attacked us because of War of the Worlds, but where is your evidence for any of this?
FRANCIS: Sampson, the reason this is an X. File is because it’s something that can’t be explained. At least not by the masses.
SAMPSON: How about you just take the easier explanation with scientific proof to back it up? Increase of greenhouse gases, holes in the Ozone layer, and other phenomenon have made it so that the Earth is trapping in more heat and unnaturally getting hotter at a far faster rate than climate change normally calls for.
FRANCIS: Shut up Sampson! You’re just spewing that same old story the government concocted for non-believers.
SAMPSON: What about the Mars rovers? None of those have seen any kind of civil war.
FRANCIS: First of all, those rovers are run by NASA, and NASA, as we all know is run by the government. They can’t be trusted. Secondly, Martians haven’t lived on the surface for thousands of years. They come out occasionally but primarily live underground. Don’t you think it’s weird that no other country except the United States has ever landed anything on the surface of Mars?
SAMPSON: Um. Now that you mention it. But you said that treaty was made in the 40s. We didn’t get to space till the 60s.
FRANCIS: Wrong. The Germans sent the first thing into space when they launched their V2 rockets. The Martians contacted them and they brokered the treaty.
SAMPSON: Are you trying to tell me Adolph Hitler brokered a treaty with Mars?
FRANCIS: Exactly.
SAMPSON: Didn’t Hitler believe in a master race? If he didn’t accept all humans as equal, there’s no way he would have accepted aliens.
FRANCIS: Shit! I didn’t think of that…
SAMPSON: That’s just one flaw in your theory of many.
FRANCIS: Oh yeah? What’s the proof of your theory Sampson?
SAMPSON: Science.
FRANCIS: That’s a conspiracy. I believe in religion.
SAMPSON: Worshiping higher powers without proof of concept… Should’ve known. I’m not going to touch that.
FRANCIS: Yes! I won!
SAMPSON: All this talk of global cooling reminds me I’ve got to get going.
FRANCIS: Where you going?
SAMPSON: Snowball fight. See ya later.
FRANCIS: Have fun Sampson!
[Sampson leaves]
Wait a minute… It’s not snowing out. It’s probably one of those cool places that make fake snow. Alright interwebs. This has been the first episode of X. Files. I’m Francis X. Files. Remember: The truth is in here.
[Credits]
