Planet of the Beavers: Bullet Time
[In the wastelands the guys sing as they wander in search of anything. It has been about 2 years since the last one. Montage of Alexander, Doc, and Mortimer trudging through the wastelands to “Stayin Alive” for about 45 seconds or less. Mimic Saturday Night Fever Opening with the pan up from the feet to the body. Alexander is crawling on his hands and knees in the background because he can’t take it.]
Mortimer: Alright men. What shall we sing next?
Doctor Kennaugh: I feel like these songs from the 1970’s have been surprisingly fitting for our situation wouldn’t you say?
Alexander: I don’t know guys. I’m kind of getting sick of all this disco music. Can’t we do something a little more modern?
Doc: Oh Alexander. Such as the passage of time we shall keep moving forward and never back. Currently we are in a 70’s phase, but I feel that a new decade will be upon us soon. For now, strut!
[Fade to outskirts of a city. The gang overlooks it. As they walk through the deserted streets a guy jumps from above them in slow motion and attacks them. Matrix style fight between the mystery man, Alex, and Mort. The fight is going so fast the doc is basically standing still. The man beats Mort and Alex beats the man]
Mort [getting up]: Where the hell did that come from mate?
Alex: I don’t know. It just sort of happened?
Mort: Are you telling me that I’ve been pickin’ up your slack for nearly three years now and you knew how to fight the entire time?
Doc: Calm down Mort! I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this. I don’t know if you’re aware, but the three of you were fighting in a way I have never seen the likes of before! It was as if you were moving faster than my mind could fathom.
Mort: Hold that thought Doc. [Leaning down in intimidating fashion to the mystery man]. Who are ya! Why’d ya attack us!
Kyle: My name is Reese Kyle. Forgive me, but I thought the three of you might be agents.
Alex: Agents of what?
Kyle: Come with me back to my base and my leader will explain everything.
Alex: Sounds good-
Mort: Could ya give us a sec mate? [Mort, Alex, and Doc huddle up] Why should we believe a word this guy says? We just get into this town and he attacks us?
Kyle: Um, I can hear everything you guys are saying… [They move farther away]
Mort: My point is that we shouldn’t trust him. What if this base he’s leading us to is full of raiders or something?
Alex: I say we take that chance. If they’re raiders we can make a getaway and maybe take a few with us.
Mort: Yeah. Cause by that you mean I’ll be doing the killin’ as always…
Alex: We have a set dynamic on this team Mort. Doc comes up with the battle strategies and patches us up while you do the fighting parts.
Mort: Then what is it you do again you little manimal!
Alex: Don’t you call me that Mort! I’m this team’s moral support.
Mort: Wonderful. Cause we definitely need morals in the wastelands…
Doc: Boys. Boys. Let’s put this to a vote shall we. Who’s in favour of joining Mr Kyle?
Doc: And who’s against?
Doc: Well if it’s up to me I say we join him. He might be a villain, but how many men have we come across in our travels that haven’t tried to kill us? [Silence] That’s what I thought. Unlike the others this one actually seems sane. This base may be the best hope we have of finding an actual functioning society out here.
Mort: Ya make a point Doc. Alright Kyle. We’ll trust you for now. But if you double cross us I’ll personally feed ya to the manimals.
Kyle: You’re making the right choice. Come with me and I’ll relate to you the story of our band. [Fade to the journey in the city] When the nuclear bombs fell, humanity was as good as wiped from the face of the earth. Those that remained either turned into manimals or were enslaved by the beavers as experiments.
Doc: How is it that the beavers came to dominate the planet?
Kyle: When humanity decimated itself through it’s own wars there were unintended consequences. We didn’t know that the beavers would mutate through the radiation and become more intelligent than we could possibly imagine. They quickly soaked up all the knowledge of humanity and turned it against us. As much as it pains me to admit, they are smarter. But we are stronger still.
Doc: Fascinating. How much more do you know?
Kyle: Not much more than that. I would like our leader to tell you the rest.
Mort: So what exactly is this group of yours?
Kyle: A band of freedom fighters brought together under the banner of humanity to overthrow the beavers and rebuild our society.
Doc: Sounds like a worthy goal. Who is this leader of yours?
Kyle: We do not know where he came from, but he goes by the name Apollo.
Doc: As in the god of music, the sun, light, plague, healing, truth and prophecy, and yet more?
Kyle: I don’t have any clue what you’re talking about. That is simply his name. Perhaps there is a deeper meaning behind it, but if there is we are unsure. We are here. [Guards stand at a doorway in ruins with guns at the ready] Friends! I have found poor wanderers. They are gifted ones! [The guards let the group pass]
Kyle: This is our base of operations in this part of the wasteland.
Doc: Great Scot!
Mort: What a load of garbage… [Apollo and Serinity walk in]
Serinity: Kneel before Apollo!
Mort: I’m not kneeling before any- [Alex pushes him to the ground]
Appolo: Hello. I am Apollo. I would like to welcome you to our base of operations.
Alex: We’ve got so many questions we would like to ask you Mr resistance leader sir!
Apollo: But of course. All in due time, however. First [Pulls out 3 red pills and 3 blue pills]. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill — your story ends and that’s all there is to it. You take the red pill — you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. [All three take the red pill]
[Mortimer has flashbacks to an operating table and screams. Voices calling out the name Mason Gorn. Bullet fire]
Doc: Hey! These are just jellybeans.
Apollo: The red ones were, but the blue ones were laced with cyanide. You made a good choice. Forgive the deadly games, but if you won’t be willing to join us we can’t afford to let you live. It’s an understandable precaution is it not? After all, any one of you could later get captured by the beavers and turned into an agent.
Alex: About that. What exactly is an agent?
Apollo: Agents are brainwashed minions of the beavers. They aren’t mindless like manimals. They think and act as we do, but they are not like us. They were created in the hopes of infiltrating bands such as our own and wiping them out.
Alex: Sounds scary sir!
Mort: What exactly is your mission here?
Apollo: I created this band as a haven for humanity and to one day overthrow the beaver armies. Their technology and numbers are above ours, but humanity is the stronger species. We scour the wastelands finding and turning manimals back from the brink so that they can join our cause. We also wait for the day when the prophecy will be fulfilled.
Doc: Prophecy? This just got Matrix like up in here.
Doc: It was a thing. Never mind that. Please tell us about the prophecy.
Apollo: After the bombs fell, the radiation not only granted the beavers enhancements but certain humans as well. These we refer to as “gifted ones” Some became oracles and prophets while others gained otherworldly strengths. The oracles predicted that one day a gifted wanderer would master his powers to become more powerful than any human has ever been. This wanderer would lead humanity to victory in the fight against the beavers! I have come across very few of these gifted ones in my time, and those that I have found were quickly slain by agents. To me this simply means that they were not the Wanderer. I think that one of you is.
Doc: This explains the otherworldly display I saw you men perform earlier!
Mort: Your search is over Apollo. I have wandered the wastelands for years and as the Doc and your soldier Reese can attest to I am a gifted one.
Apollo: You are gifted… but the chosen one is him [points at Alexander]
Mort: Him? He can’t even use a gun! I have had to protect him for the last 3 years!
Apollo: And I thank you gifted one, but he is The Wanderer. The prophets have a knack for art also and they painted a portrait of the man in their visions. Honestly I thought that this was an abstract. Perhaps a clue to point us in the right direction of the type of character we are looking for, but I see now that this is the man we’ve been looking for. [Holds up picture of Alex looking as dumb as possible and as he moves the picture away Alex looks just like it]
Mort: Bloody hell! [He storms out and Alex is about to go after him]
Doc: Let him go Alexander. He needs time to cool off. Just one more question Apollo. How is it that Kyle can fight gifted people such as my friends.
Kyle: Apollo has trained us to the peak of human limits. Serinity and I are his two best students.
Alex [Going over to Serinity flirty]: Why hello there. [She twists his arm and puts him in a lock]
Serinity: This one has much to learn Apollo. I don’t think he will be ready in time.
Apollo: Patience Serinity. Your first lesson begins now Wanderer. [Attacks Alex and gets knocked down by a martial arts move]
Alex: I know kung fu?
Apollo [eyeing him, hand on chin]: Show me. [They have a kung fu fight and shake hands at the end]
[Doc goes to check on Mortimer]
Doc: Are you OK Mortimer? You aren’t looking so good.
[Mortimer has flashbacks of beavers brainwashing him and has a meltdown]
Mort [In a monotone regular voice]: Doctor Kennaugh.
Doc: What happened to your Australian accent Mortimer?
Mort: Doctor, this meeting with the resistance has led to an epiphany. I am not Mortimer as you so call me, but rather Mason Gorn.
Doc: Mason Gorn! Like the world famous assassin before the apocalypse? Well at least I was right about the bringer of death part.
Gorn: See Doctor, my memories had been stunted. During the apocalypse I was up in Canada looking for a target when I was captured by the newly mutated beavers. They brainwashed me and filled my head with fake memories of being an Australian adventurer, but I retained my past skills. I was tasked with going through the wastelands to find and kill the resistance. Now that we’re here, I have been reminded of my true purpose.
Doc: So why aren’t you doing it Mason?
Gorn: I’m managing to fight the brainwashing right now, but I won’t be able to for long. Run doc! Warn the others!
Doc: I’m not leaving you Mason! We can save you. [Mason screams and punches Doc away in slow motion. Then he leaps out of the ruins in one bound and struggles to get as far away as possible]
[A few months later]
Alex: Just one more time. What’s the mission again?
Serinity: For the last time Alex! Your friend Agent Gorn captured Apollo on our last mission. You have to get him back alive before he reveals the location of our base.
Alex: And what are you doing with Kyle again?
Serinity: Stealing back the technology for the beaver bioweapon Doctor Kennaugh built so that they don’t reverse engineer it and use it on us.
Kyle: Well you’ve had an eventful couple of months haven’t you. Kinda wish I was there too…
Serinnity: Stuff it with the meta humour Kyle. You’ve been spending too much time with the Doc. So do you get it now Alex?
Alex: Yup [waits a sec]. Hey wait a minute? You want me to take on Gorn solo? He took out a whole squad of us single handed last month!
Kyle: But budgetary concerns prevented-
Alex and Serinity: Shut up!
Serinity: Those guys weren’t gifted Alex. I believe in you. Now good luck [walks away]
Alex: In case I don’t make it back. I just want you to know; I love you.
Serinity: Go to hell.
[Alex sneaks into the building and gets taken down right away by Agent Gorn.]
Gorn [with his hand on Alex’s throat]: Alexander.
Alex: I know you’re still in there Mortimer!
Gorn [Throwing Alex across the room and straightening his tie]: I am not the man you once knew Wanderer. He was a pawn of the beavers.
Alex: And you aren’t Agent Gorn?
[Punches Gorn back and dives out the window with Apollo. They end up on a rooftop and fight. Bullet time sequence knocks Alex down]
Gorn: The beavers are destined to win this war. I didn’t choose their side originally and they had to brainwash me to see reason but I have come to see it as the right one.
Alex: You can still come back from this Gorn. I’m the wanderer. The prophecy says I can beat the beavers and I could use your help.
Gorn: There is no going back for me Alex.
Alex: Then I have to kill you.
Gorn: You don’t have the stomach.
[Alex waves his hand Matrix style. Epic fight.]
Gorn: You’re out of bullets.
Alex: You too.
[Seemingly destroys Gorn and goes back to base]
Alex: Kyle! Where’s Serinity?
Kyle: I’m sorry Alex… She didn’t make it!
Kyle: She wanted me to tell you that she believes in you and that it is up to you to stop the apocalypse.
Alex: Did she say she loved me?
Kyle: No. Sorry. But she died a hero and prevented the bioweapon from staying in the paws of the beavers…
Alex: Damn it! I thought she was just playing hard to get. [Keeps a picture of her] So what happened out there Kyle?
Doc: Whatever it was, budgetary concerns probably prevent flashbacks-
Alex and Kyle: Shut up Doc!
Doc: At least the bioweapon is secure. You saved the day Alexander!
Alex: Thanks Doc!
Apollo: We may have stopped them this time, but this isn’t over yet.
Doc: Yes. We’re about to switch genres once again!
[A few months later]
Doc [Over a walkie talkie]: Alexander! You have to come out to the parking lot right now!
Kyle: What’s the doc want?
Alex: I don’t know. Can Reese come?
Doc: Sure! Bring him along.
[In a parking lot. Doc has white hair now and a car]
Alex: Jeez Doc, is that a car? What the hell did you do to it?
Doc: This my friend is a Delorean. The coolest looking car of the 1980’s. I’ll explain as we go Alexander. Alright. This is test number 1. Please note that clock here is in precise synchronization with my control watch. Here we go Alex. If my calculations are correct, when the car hits 88 miles an hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit. What’d I tell you! 88 miles an hour!
Alex: Queen almighty! You disintegrated the car! I don’t even know where you got it in the first place but that could have come in handy out here…
Doc: Calm down Alex. I didn’t disintegrate anything. The molecular structure of the car is completely intact.
Kyle: Then where the hell is it?
Doc: More like WHEN the hell is it. In exactly a minute the time machine should return.
Alex: Time machine? Are you trying to tell me you built a time machine out of a Delorean?
Doc: The way I figured it, if you’re going to build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style? Besides I tried to build another more traditional kind of time machine like the one over there and it led to a totally different dystopian future where robots took over the Earth rather than beavers.
Alex: But Doc, didn’t you tell me once that the passage of time moves forwards and we’d never go back?
Doc: I lied Alex. We can stop the apocalypse now!
Alex: Or we can just bail on this timeline and chill somewhere else.
Kyle: You are the chosen one Alex!
Doc: He is right though! We can go back and see the birth of Christ or the pyramids being built. Or how about July 3rd 1985. Yes that’s it. July 3rd 1985. That’s the day I invented time travel! Or rather night. See I slipped and hit my head on a sink. Knocked me right out but when I woke up I had the idea for this. The T.A.R.D.I.S.
Alex: What’s that stand for Doc?
Doc: Never mind that Alex. Wait! It’s the beavers. They’ve found me. I don’t know how, but they’ve found me!
Kyle: It’s Agent Gorn!
Gorn: There is no escape now Alexander!
Doc: Quick boys. In the Delorian! I’ll hold them off!
Alex: But Doc!
[Mortimer kills the Doc as Alexander and Kyle escape the beaver army in the Delorean. Set to the Back to the Future theme.]
To be continued.